A good deal of damage control is going on in this chapter, with Mr. Weasley all but setting up camp at the Ministry to deal with backlash from the Quidditch World Cup Dark Mark fiasco. While folks like Percy thrive on this sort of chaos and clearly view the resulting mayhem as a means by which to brown nose their way to the top, Mr. Weasley is perfectly content as middle management and has little interest in spending late nights responding to Rita Skeeter’s fantasy columns. But in the midst of all this confusion, Harry is able to slip off with Ron and Hermione and explain the letter he is waiting Sirius to send – a letter which will instruct him what to do about his scar hurting in his sleep.

I’m not here to talk about Harry’s scar, though. I’m not even here to talk about Mr. Weasley’s overtime at the Ministry. The thing that jumped out at me this chapter is how wizards use the Owl Post and why.

(Seriously, that’s what jumped out at  me).

Communicating in the Harry Potter  Universe

THE OWL POST

This is essentially a wizard version of the Pony Express on wings. Wizards can hire owls to carry letters and packages around the globe. The size and strength of the owl, the distance of the journey, and the weather impact how long it takes for a letter or package sent by Owl Post to arrive at its destination. While there is an elaborate system of Owls, both public and privately owned, commissioned to deliver messages, there seems to be no system to determine when letters will arrive. That said, no directions are necessary.

Overall Rating:

Expense: Poor (you either need to pay an owl to carry your letter or pay the upkeep on your own personal owl)

Efficiency: Poor (What if it rains? What if your owl sprains a wing? You really have no idea when your letter will arrive. Try paying bills that way!)

Convenience: High (You don’t even need a proper address to send a letter via the Owl Post. All you need is a name and an eager owl).

Practicality: Moderate (It’s an easy system to use, but not a very quick one. If you have the time to wait, it’s probably worth your while. The same can be said for the Muggle Postal Service).

THE FLOO NETWORK

Never said it was pretty...

If the wizard you want to contact happens to have a fireplace nearby and that fireplace happens to be on the Floo Network, this is a quick and easy means of getting in touch with them. The Floo Network allows for three different levels of communication: You can physically transport yourself and deliver your message in person, you can transport just your head and speak the message from the fireplace (like wizard Skype), or you can send letters and packages through the Network, just like a person.

Overall Rating:

Expense: Low (all you need is Floo Powder and a fireplace, but if you don’t have a fireplace, the expense obviously spikes)

Efficiency: Moderate (the person you are trying to reach has to be there to answer your call, or you’ll just be a burning head in a fireplace with no one to talk to)

Convenience: Low (your fireplace has to be on the Floo Network, as does the fireplace of the wizard you’re trying to reach. You can also assume your conversation is being monitored)

Practicality: Moderate (it’s a system that works, but it doesn’t seem to be a favorite of wizards, who would rather wait for the Owl Post or try something that doesn’t rely on the presence of a fireplace)

APPARATION

Why send a letter when you can send your whole self? Assuming you aren’t trying to send a letter to or from Hogwarts, you could simply apparate to the home of whoever you are trying to reach and deliver your message in person. This only works for wizards who have successfully earned their Apparation License.

Overall Rating:

Expense: Low (assuming you’ve been properly trained as a wizard)

Efficiency: High (assuming you physically want to see the person you are sending a letter or package and know where they are)

Convenience: Moderate (it’s arguably the quickest means of delivering a message, but again, you will have to see whoever you contacting, or at least run the risk of seeing them)

Practicality: Low (who really wants to dart all over the place every time they have a letter to deliver? Besides, you can only apparate over a certain distance, so if you’re using this as a means of getting a letter to a distant location faster than your owl, you’re going to be pretty disappointed)

PATRONUS

Dumbledore developed a way to communicate with the Patronus charm and it proved a highly secure means of sending messages. While the details of developing a Patronus that can carry out a message or a task are not described to the students at Hogwarts and neither Harry, Ron, nor Hermione ever attempt to communicate in this way, Dumbledore, Snape, McGonagall, and Shacklebolt make use of this tool.

Overall Rating:

Expense: Low (theoretically, it only costs the price of a wand)

Efficiency: High (if properly cast, a Patronus will successfully carry a message without interruption)

Convenience: Moderate (a Patronus cannot deliver a package or a letter, so it’s more like a telegram than anything else)

Practicality: Low (casting a Patronus charm is highly advanced magic, and casting one that can carry a message is even more difficult still. One would have to be a remarkably talented wizard to even attempt this means of communication)

What is your preferred means of Wizard Communication?

Now I’m back, ready for some more Goblet of Fire re-reading awesomeness.

If you look closely, you can find Jack Sparrow!

When last we spoke about GoF, the trio and assorted Weasleys were enjoying the Quidditch World Cup and Amos Diggory was being a jerkface (that’s a technical term). That brings us to Chapter 9: The Dark Mark, where we get the distinct impression that the Ministry is going to do everything in its power to give the impression everything is happy and safe in wizardland, even if that means lying through their teeth.

The Dark Mark appears above the Quidditch campsite and several muggles are tortured by rebel-rousing Death Eaters, and who do Barty Crouch and Amos Diggory try to blame? Three fourth years and a house elf.

First of all, if ever there were three wizards who had absolutely and utterly no reason to send up the Dark Mark, it would be Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Ron is related to multiple Ministry employees, Hermione is muggle-born, and oh yeah, Harry’s parents were killed by Voldy. That leaves Winky, a house elf so loyal, she faces her fear of heights to sit in Barty Crouch’s box seat at the World Cup, not to mention she couldn’t possibly have the skill or know-how to cast such a difficult spell.

What seems more likely to you: three kids with absolutely no motivation sent up the Dark Mark, or the spell was cast by a house elf with no capability to do so?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Denial: it’s not just a river in Egypt.

You have to love how incompetent everyone at the Ministry seems to be – at least everyone in positions of great power. As Ron would put it, the Ministry is just a “load of duffers”.

After a lackluster teaser clip a few months ago, we finally have a complete trailer. Check it out below:

What do you think? You’re pretty accustomed to amazing books being turned into films at this point, what with the 7-books-turned-8-movies deal you’ve been through with Harry Potter. Some of you may even be Twilight fans (why? for the love of all that is literature, why?) We all know what it’s like when a book is turned into an amazing movie (Deathly Hallows) and when a movie all but destroys our favorite story (Goblet of Fire).

Do you think The Hunger Games will live up?

Right now, I’m a little worried they are gunning for the Twihard contingency. While I haven’t watched more that a few minutes of any Twilight movie at a time (because I can’t stomach all that angst – it makes Half-Blood Prince look downright jolly), I can tell you it’s not a paramount of fine film making. For all their faults, at least I’m comfortable calling the Harry Potter films “films”.

Do you think The Hunger Games will earn that distinction, or will the cinematic journey into the arena leave fans cold?

ALL HARRY POTTER FILMS WILL BE LOCKED IN THE W.B. VAULT AFTER DECEMBER 29, 2011.

(cue the folks at Disney pouting over W.B. stealing their idea)

This is how you milk the cash cow, ladies and gentlemuggles: You pull all the widely distributed and vastly popular films off the shelves to tip supply and demand in your favor, then in a year or two you release a Super Awesome Splediferic DVD set, which becomes the only way to buy the films. Oh yeah, and charge a few hundred dollars for it.

Cha-ching!

As someone who doesn’t own a single Harry Potter film (I just borrow from others or turn on HBO – it’s always on HBO), this leaves me in a bit of a predicament. Do I stock up on the 8-film series now, or do I wait until they come out in a Super Grand Supreme box set?

It's about to become a lot more difficult to get that copy of "Sorcerer's Stone" your film collection is missing

What about people who already own the other films? Are they even interested in throwing down however many galleons for the Super Duper Ta-Da Whoopee box set?

Is it worth the investment to see little Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson become teenage Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson, and eventually young adult Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson, set to a John William score and complimented by praising interviews with J.K. Rowling, British film royalty, and a bunch of dudes named David?

Cause that’s what you’re probably going to get.

But it all goes back to supply and demand. By removing the supply, W.B. is creating demand for something that otherwise may lose its commercial thunder.

So what do you think? Will you stock up on Harry Potter films before December 29th or wait until the vault is reopened?

And do you think standing outside W.B. studios speaking in parseltongue, with a small child dressed as a goblin, will release the films from the vault any faster?

You may remember from previous entries that I have two younger sisters: a 24-year-old avid Harry Potter fan and a 15-year-old Twihard (what can I say? mama raised us nerdy).

My 24-year-old sis just received word that her proposal to start and counsel a Harry Potter summer camp session at a local community college has been accepted. She will be welcoming groups of 10 to 13-year-olds to Hogwarts this summer.

She already has a bunch of ideas to make this day camp as magical as possible for her little wizards. For example, she has decided that each Hogwarts first-year will receive his or her very own wand. (Side note: check out these AMAZING instructions for making your own wand at home).

 So this is where you come in!

What activities would you suggest for a Harry Potter summer camp?

As I mentioned before, she already has some great ideas (and has sadly reminded me I’m too old to attend – very disappointing). She’s an excellent teacher and really passionate about making this the best experience possible for the kids (she’s a Gryffinclaw, if you will). I would love to present her with some activity ideas straight from Harry Potter fans like you.

1. Keep in mind the age group of the campers (10 – 13). Many activities online are geared toward much younger kids.
2. There is a budget, so while buying all the kids real invisibility cloaks sounds wonderful, it’s probably not logistically sound.
3. Recipes that don’t require a kitchen and don’t involve milk or nuts are especially welcomed.
4. Bonus points if there’s an educational component to your suggestion. My sister’s a chemistry teacher, so she’s all about teachable moments.

Be creative and have fun. The only bad suggestion is the one you don’t make!

I know, I know. No one wants to kick the guy who loses his only son (I’m assuming Cedric doesn’t have any supernaturally nice, perfectly coiffed siblings – correct me if I’m wrong). But with a dad like Amos, you have to wonder where Cedric got his charm. Mrs. Diggory must have the people skills of a seasoned diplomat.

I'm a dislikable human being, but you're forced to feel bad for me at the end of the book. Fiction is cruel. Deal with it!

Amos is at best, irksome. At worst, infuriating. We’ll come to find later in the book that he has a tendency to say things akin to “My son is gonna whoop your derriere” whenever Harry is around. I can sort of forgive that faux pas.  He’s a proud father and his son is representing Hogwarts in the Triwizard Tournament. Amos’ adoration for his boy is almost endearing (“That’s my son! That’s my boy! It’s my boy!” – did I just make you sad?)

What gets to me about Amos is how he treats Winky. I’m not about to join Hermione’s S.P.E.W. campaign (she goes a little off the deep end with that one), but as an employee of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, you’d think he’d have a bit more sympathy for an elf.

Or maybe not! Maybe years of keeping Beasts, Spirits, Goblins, Centaurs, and other magical non-humans at bay has hardened him. Have one too many run-ins with an angry Centaur and you’re bound to lose some of your compassion.

Still, Amos’ cruelty to Winky brings up the whole House-Elves issue in the Harry Potter universe. I don’t really want to go there now because it takes away from my Amos Diggory whining, but it’s pretty atrocious how elves are treated by mostly everyone.

That doesn’t excuse Amos, of course. I just recognize that blaming an elf for something a wizard did is nothing new. There’s no logic to Amos’ accusations – Winky wouldn’t know how to cast the Dark Mark even if she wanted to – just as there’s no logic to Barty Crouch firing her (or rather “giving her clothes”).

What do you think? Is Amos a jerk? Do you understand where he’s coming from? Does it bug you that he’s far more likable in the film than he is in the book?

**********

I know I’m moving a little slower these days with the re-read, but remember to read along. We’re into Chapter 9 next!

That said, for a movie to be any good, you have to trim the fat. You have to take all those individual scenes and splice them together into a coherent narrative. Some scenes have to go.

The deleted scenes from Deathly Hallows: Part I were released with the DVD and I’ve linked them below (complete with German subtitles, for no reason aside from that’s how I found them).

Let’s see what we have here:

Scene 1: Mr. Weasley with Ron, repairing a radio:
This doesn’t strike me as a necessary scene. It’s easy to accept that Ron has a radio with him on his travels. If memory serves, we don’t hear all that much from the underground Potterwatch during the film. It’s never called Potterwatch, anyway. The radio adds weight to what is happening in the world outside the trio, but we don’t really need to know where it came from.

Scene 2: Aunt Petunia leaving home:
I love the opening montage of this film, where we see the Dursleys leaving, Hermione obliviating her parents, and Ron standing alone outside the Burrow. But there were a number of interesting scenes that had to be cut to accomplish this, and these would have fleshed out the characters a bit more. We don’t find out about Dumbledore’s letter to Aunt Petunia in this film and we only have a fleeting glance of her motivations as a child in the second part of Deathly Hallows. This moment with Harry, when she admits to missing her sister and truly understanding what dangerous wizards are capable of, gives her new depth. I missed it the first time I saw the film and, if there was some way to include it without disrupting the amazing opening sequence, I think it would have been a nice touch.

Scene 3: Dudley leaving home:
I loved this moment in the book and I love this deleted scene. Maybe Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon can’t be redeemed, but Dudley can. His so comedic in this otherwise heavy moment. Maybe it’s all the fat-face makeup they have piled on his face to give him the required Dudley chubbiness. And Harry saying “See ya, Big D.”? It’s a great moment.

Scene 4: Yaxley looking for the Grangers:
This one took me a moment before I figured it out. I don’t think it reads well. Not worth saving.

Scene 5: Harry and Ron in the Ministry with Mr. Weasley:
I love Harry warning Mr. Weasley that he’s being followed, but we already spend enough time in the elevator at the Ministry. The whole Ministry experience is a fantastic part of this film. It’s probably not necessary to add anything further to it.

Scene 6: Harry explains the Horcruxes to the audience Hermione:
In case you haven’t been paying attention the last six films and/or didn’t read the books, here’s a friendly reminder of what we’re doing out here in the woods. Not really needed. If you can’t follow the plot by this point, you probably should just give up and go see something brainless like Twilight or something (Oh man, Twilight bashing is back! Haven’t had that on this blog in a while).

Scene 7: Ron and Harry piss off P.E.T.A.:
I think the point of this scene is to show Ron’s growing hostility toward Harry. It leads to his abrupt departure later in the film and is explained fully when he faces the Horcrux. But we really don’t need this to be explained. We completely get the drift when we watch Ron jealously following after Harry and Hermione on their travels. All this scene actually manages to accomplish is making me angry with Ron and Harry for chasing after a poor defenseless bunny rabbit. For shame! Though it does raise the interesting question that isn’t addressed in the film – where do they get food?

Scene 8: Ron and Hermione skipping stones: I don’t think the first part of this film is slow. A lot of people disagree with me. And you know how to make it slower? Spend a few minutes watching the main characters skip stones. You know why people skip stones? They’re bored. You know what’s awful to watch on the big screen? People being bored. It’s boring watching boredom. If ever there was a scene I’m glad didn’t make it into the final cut, this is it.

So what do you think? Would you have liked to see these scenes in the film? Are you glad they were cut?

I think J. K. Rowling is trying to tell us something.

Pretty girls are dangerous!

Think about it: they are irresistable to men and precariously easy to piss off. You can’t trust them as far as you can throw them. One wrong move, and they’ll start gnawing at your face with their vulture beaks. They had to be forcibly removed from the Quidditch World Cup simply because their team was losing. Dangerous and sore losers. Toxic combo!

So I guess it’s fortunate Fleur Delacour is only 1/4th Veela. The odds of her transforming into a harpy from Hell are dramatically decreased by the watering down of her blood line. Good thing for poor Bill! A werewolf attack is enough – surviving a lifetime with an angry Veela is more than any innocent man should be subjected to.

I’m taking liberties here, of course. There’s no solid evidence half-blood Veela don’t transform into wrathful sirens. I’m just assuming that with only a quarter Veela in her genes, an angry Fleur is less likely to become this:

And probably resembles something more along the lines of this:

I just think maybe there’s a subtle message from Ms. Rowling we’re supposed to pick up on here.

Think about it.

********************

On a completely different note, anyone remember Winky? Poor little elf wasn’t even offered a movie contract!

What’s nice about this diminutive lady is that she offers an alternate view of Dobby’s newfound freedom. We could go on for weeks about the presence of slavery in the Harry Potter series and the social implications of the house elves, but I’m not feeling quite that ambitious right now. Let’s just keep things simple.

For better or worse, Winky justifies house elf servitude and in doing so, exonerates well-intentioned wizards. Let me stress that: well-intentioned wizards. Barty Crouch, who makes Winky climb up into the spectator’s box even though she is afraid of heights, is not well-intentioned. Lucius Malfoy, who beats Dobby on a regular basis,  is not well-intentioned (he should really save some of that rage for his sister-in-law – she makes the Veela look about as terrifying as Big Bird).

On second thought, Big Bird is pretty terrifying...

 Winky represents what Ron has been saying all along. Of course, there’s a danger in making sweeping generalizations about any species; Winky may stand for the majority of house elves who want to serve wizards, but that doesn’t make Dobby wrong for wanting his freedom. It’s all so complicated and controversial, even the characters in the story can’t agree.

But it’s also all conveniently left out of the films, so it’s worth noting here as we re-read Goblet of Fire.

If trips to Diagon Alley, Hogsmeade, and Hogwarts itself haven’t raised the question in your mind, Goblet of Fire, Chapter 7 certainly will.

We know why muggles can’t see Hogwarts (a clever mix of invisibility and mind-altering charms), but what about every other wizarding structure? There’s no mention of alternate wizard universes, so while Diagon Alley is through a magical stone wall, we’re lead to believe it’s physically located somewhere accessible (the Knight Bus can access it, for example). It’s a huge wizard main street, taking up significant room and no doubt requiring the same extensive protective charms as Hogwarts.

What about Platform 9 3/4ths? Again, I’m not convinced it exists on another plane; magic simply prevents us from getting to it. How far does that magic extend? Is the entire track to Hogwarts enchanted? Does the Hogwarts Express use the same rail line as muggle trains? How do they avoid detection? Collision?

All that leads me to the Quidditch pitch and camp grounds for the Quidditch World Cup. The whole operation is set-up on muggle land, in plain sight of the muggles who own it. Only the pitch seems to be invisible.

The sudden influx of campers in questionable attire leaves Mr. Roberts (the resident muggle) highly confused, to the point where they have to keep obliviating him to keep him subdued. I have to harken back to a pinnacle piece of cinema, Men In Black, and ask if there’s not some sort of side effect from erasing someone’s memory over and over and over again. What state will all this obliviating leave poor Mr. Roberts in?

And why go through all that trouble? Why not cast a spell on Mr. Roberts (and all the other muggle site managers) and send them packing temporarily? Didn’t Hermione obliviate her parents’ memory and convince them they are different people with different life goals, just to get them out of the country? Why not do the same to these folks and get them out-of-the-way? You may say that’s muggle cruelty, but isn’t it far more humane than erasing their memories and leaving them befuddled every five minutes?

And to take us back to my original question, how much land do wizards own? Are they so tight on space, they’re forced to “borrow” land from muggles at this point? I know Great Britain’s an island with only so much room, but if they can make tents into single family homes, can’t they expand their acreage a little?

I think I may be smarter than Ludo Bagman.

Is that saying much?

Sing along: "This land is your land, this land is my land, till I obliviate you, then it's just my land..."

The Last Muggle to Read Harry Potter’s
Goblet of Fire Costume Trivia Contest Winner is:

Allie Wentzel

Allie’s name was randomly selected from a pool of readers who successfully answered all 10 Goblet of Fire trivia questions. For her impressive Hermione-like knowledge of Harry Potter and her amazing luck (Allie, are you sure you didn’t take any Felix Felicis?) she will be receiving a costume valued up to $50 from Buy Harry Potter Costumes. (and the house elves rejoice!)

Congratulations Allie on your win! Make sure to send us photos of your Harry Potter Halloween costume so we can all be jealous.

And a special thanks to Buy Harry Potter Costumes for donating the prize for this trivia contest. If you’re still looking for the perfect Harry Potter gear, make sure to check them out.

I hope everyone had fun with our first contest here at The Last Muggle. Many of you aced the trivia quiz (I’m impressed!). You receive an “O” for your Outstanding performance.

Here are the trivia answers (I accepted a few more detailed variations from those overachieving Ravenclaws among you):

1. What monetary prize is bestowed upon the winner of the Triwizard Tournament? 1,000 Galleons

2. Where is the portkey located that transports the Weasley family, Cedric and Amos Diggory, Hermione, and Harry to the Quidditch World Cup? Stoatshead Hill

3. What name did Hermione originally want to call her organization, S.P.E.W.? Stop the Outrageous Abuse of Our Fellow Magical Creatures and Campaign for a Change in Their Legal Status

4. What magical candy does Fred intentionally leave behind at the Dursley’s for Dudley to find? Ton-Tongue Toffee

5. What popular wizard band is booked to play at the Yule Ball? The Weird Sisters

6. What Christmas present did Harry receive from the Dursleys? A single tissue

7. What password does Harry use to enter the Prefects’ bathroom? “Pine-Fresh”

8. What is the name of Hagrid’s giant mother? Fridwulfa

9. In what department does Percy Weasley begin his career at the Ministry of Magic? Department of International Magical Co-operation

10. What is the name of the male wizard at the Quidditch World Cup who is noted for wearing a woman’s dress? Archie Aymslowe (or just Archie)